Posted by Jason on December 17, 1999 at 10:54:22:
In Reply to: Bound to the weapon of my demise... posted by Wounded on December 16, 1999 at 17:53:17:
: Please forgive me for my indecent post but I have to scream out the utterings of my soul to the great nothingness and let it know that I am here and looking for something, a piece of truth that will pierce the heart of a dead man and bring him back to life.
: There is a place inside me that is like a wounded animal that is lashing out because that is
: all that he knows. The creature inside is not the person that is known by all but he is the person I hide so all will be "okay" with the outside world. There are many hidden fears and evils inside
: the beast within that is grievous to me and the Spirit of Light that lives within the raging universe called Bryon. I know with the mind that all will work for the good of those who Believe, but i'm not sure any more if there is the involvement of the Heart. I feel like hurt. I feel like all that is around me is black death with its far reaching hands, cold and paralyzing. These are the thoughts of a person who inflicts hurt as a rule and then despises the result. I feel like I don't have anyone to really turn to, not that I have been or am one to turn to myself. I just want to express myself for the whole world to see because maybe that way God will see it too. The path that litters the view in front of me is that of vain attempts to read Gods word, falling short of commitment to say the least, and prayer...I don't even KNOW how to do that! My hands are unsteady as I write this because all that pervades my thought is "what will happen to me when they know the real me?" I know it's a selfish act to portray the hurt in your life to those who have burdens to bare everyday in their own lives, but I say don't take on another one if you aren't able to. I just want you to know me, I want to be known for what is really there and I feel like if I don't just put it out there i'll breakdown. Probably just the thing that needs to happen, right? I know there is a hell because I know it exists inside of me, and I know I don't want to live there anymore. I have hurt a very close person to me that I love and it has to stop. I feel locked inside, unmoveable, bound to a time that is supposed to have been covered by the blood of Christ, unless that is an unreal expectation. I need to know that God is able to crush the demons inside that have been there to haunt the little child that still seeks the place where Hope resides. The only word that comes to mind is Vanity, it's seems so appropriate to the life inside the blackness that shrouds my soul. I don't know what's real anymore, what's pure and Holy, what's worth keeping or what needs to be purged because it all seems to coexist inside in perfect chaos and unharmony forever. I know life is null without the One that gives it. I feel like all I do is fight the rage inside and the battle that ensues because of it...without rest or redemption. I compare my life of thought and action to the plumbline and all I see is insufficiency and shame. The sad thing is that it seems to be the only place I am welcome because all else is in upheaval. I'm not going to reach the goal without you.
Ahhhhh...
Bryon, you are in the process of being broken (which is continual). I have no good advice to you than to say, God is in control. He loves you. Many people love you (me too). He wants you to love Him. He wants you to love you.
When we are weak, he is strong. Buttprints in the sand, my friend...
Jason