Posted by speechless on September 30, 1999 at 13:05:09:
PASTORAL SELECTION
We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been
able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though
we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate
all the suggestions from the church members, and we've
followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three
references. The following is our confidential report on the
present candidates.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one
reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude
in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts.
Prone to unrealistic building projects
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping,
the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's
wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in
dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator,
even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and
acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we
discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never
hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while
at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could
never handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative,
always lamenting things, and reported to have taken
a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in
church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was
forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish.
He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near
here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary
training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against
wealthy people-might fit in better in a poor congregation.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress
like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end,
has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been
known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch.
Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leaders and fascinating preacher.
However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers,
harsh and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church
grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church
dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place
very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder.
Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle
money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.