Posted by Oxinthefield on April 09, 2001 at 23:11:35:
In Reply to: Re: a little bit of my heart posted by G on April 09, 2001 at 20:38:03:
: It seems crazy how everybody struggles with these same problems yet we somehow tend to feel alone in the whole thing. Dude, I can somehow relate. It seems like on a different level with different cirumstances, but in the end it's all the same. Just trying to find who we are in Christ is hard enough, and finding the time to find that out is even harder. Our sin nature just overwhelms us. I absolutly hate trying to keep up with the "Jones" really sux, and I tend to condem myself when I cant do it. It is a crazy life we lead, but (to be a bit sarcastic) we just need to suck it up and get over it....hehehehehe....on that note I am only kidding
: : I thought about posting anonomously, but then I thought, what's the point? If I did that, no one would know the little piece of me I'll be leaving. Anyway. It's around seven o'clock and I've got a hell of a lot of things to do. Instead I'm here because I found myself looking for a person to call and talk to that would just be a sounding board. I though of a few but, they are the one's I usually go to and I wanted to let someone else know this time. Well, it's you. There isn't much I wanted to tell you, but here's what I got. I have a lot of trouble going on inside and it all stinks of confusion, bitterness, shame, guilt, doubt, fear, condemnation, and pain. We live in a time where people just seem to assume everything is okay judging by their own ability to mask their troubles, ya know? I am having a really tough time holding up the mask. It's good I know, but along with that comes the fear of the unknown. Unknow reactions, unknown fears, unknown... I'm facing some real tough decisions. They're tough because I haven't had the integrity to make them when they wouldn't have been so tough. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and am left feeling barren because the account doesn't seem to yeild much eternal profit. I am in need of extreme simplification. I want to let it all go, but the burdon of responsibility says I can't. There is a little person inside of me that is screaming for God and all He has for me, but there are the demons right beside him choking the life out of him. Are they really demons? Who knows, but lets play a while okay? I have no other word for them. Some people might look and say that I have it made. I have a job, nice "stuff". I have grown limbs that extend to these things that are so temporal. They have become the machine in my life. God says in His word that it is for our best that we take time and wait upon the Lord, for those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. How do you do that when there is no time? I feel like I am going to split in two!! I swear every thought I type up here there is another to counter it with doubt and hopelessness!! I don't want to live like this anymore. I have been faced with my past for so long that it has become a living breathing demon on my shoulders. I have habits that destroy people. I have longings that in the long run have no value whatsoever. I think about everything! I think, "I have to get my playing in shape in order to make the band the best it can be musically. If you have only so-so players how can you expect to get anywhere? I have to learn this new technology to have any value in the job market. I have to get my house in order, for how can I be an effective minister of God until then? I have to fix this. I have to be this to this person and yet another to another." I just can't keep up... There are simple answers and then there are the real answers that tell you how to be whole in Christ. I feel like all of it lies on my shoulders, to make it all work. Even with my relationship to Christ. Because..."if you don't read the word then how will you know God's will for your life? If you don't study the word then how can you REALLY know what it's all about? If you don't pray, then how do you expect to hear from God?". Where is God in all these demands? Where is the staying power? I pray for a feverish, fervent heart for God and all I see is shit! I feel like the grass in the weed where the word immediately gets choked out. I don't want to be in that part of the parable. I want to be able to die to everything that I want. The all "knowing" I. Satan said I. I am tired of saying I. Is there no hope for the grass among the weeds in the parable? What if I am one of the people that doesn't make it? Is that already in the master plan? I need some serious freedom from the shit all around inside me. I don't know where it came from. I didn't ask for it. I don't want it. Yet I have it. I am not the only one I know, but I am dead to others as long as I am where I am. I am tired of making it all "work". I am afraid that I will let go the wrong way. I don't want to be looked up to. I don't want to be regarded. I don't want to be asked what I think, because I'm damn tired of thinking. And because all they will be seeing to ask or to esteem or to regard is this damn mask that I have up. When it comes crashing down will I crash with it? I have lost a lot of will, to live, to care, to try. I have no strength to continue. This is my being, my state, where I am.
: You too, Huh?
: I think everybody at sometime (or maybe multiple times) has felt this way. When you have no strength, that is when God strong. Like Footprints, there is only one set in the sand bacause He is carrying you.A lot of times I find myself not dying to myself but living in my flesh,more often tha not. I sent you an e-mail about a comment I made to you yesterday. The post that I posted a little bit down from here is what I really, seriously thought. But anyways, I may be, hyprirytical in saying this, but no matter what you go through, you must, Like Paul says, die daily. Though it seems tough...When it seems you're at the end of the road, the bottom of the pit, turn around and Jesus is right behind you.