Posted by giveawayboy on November 05, 2001 at 03:33:15:
In Reply to: Re: REAL FOLLOWUP TO WOW! posted by jonvon on November 04, 2001 at 23:56:31:
man by the time i left that scene i could hardly even talk to anyone anymore.
ditto.
when i think of the church all i can remember is this weird scene that had so much about it that was forced and artificial. .....this mentality or way of looking at the world that sort of accreted onto my brain, onto my heart. it was like if other people weren't into what i was into that they weren't where it was really happening, no matter who they were or how much they had happening. when i see news reports on the fundamentalist attitudes among some of these crazed islamics there is something about it that is rather familiar. i think i've been in a kind of iron lung for a long while since then, isolated and slowly recovering.
exactly. i had a feeling of being thrown together with a bunch of strangers and having this incredible feeling of belonging and connectedness. There was something to this that was more real than let's say your real bad cult groups, but at the same time it was a similar dynamic, but overall my memories of those times were full of goodness too. That group was definitely NOT a bad cult, but any group IS a cult or gathering. And it had elements that could have been perverted. I think that you are right about those attitudes though--as you said: the thing that makes you think that you and your little group "gets it" and everyone else just doesn't.
but then there was this thing happening on the inside, this concentration where you are moving inward, becoming a kind of shaman in a way, moving deeper into glory, into wisdom, into invisible. all the time all that crap is attaching and accreting itself all over you there is still this thing shining somewhere, moving and growing and slipping out of the grasp of all that bullshit that tries to silence it.
yeah like something more stable than Mt. Meru, and at the same time like a silver glowing otter at play.
about the only place i have felt ok was when crossover/refuge was really happening. those were some good times. it was like, it was ok to think, it was ok to have some real structure underneath my faith, it was ok if everyone had a hundred tatoos or whatever because we could dig all that stuff but we could also see through the illusion or not get hung up on it, and it was ok if you weren't freaking superman, it was ok if GOD wasn't saying something to you every 5 minutes. it was really great sitting in that church and looking over at you drawing "Star Boy" or "Jaime" and looking up and seeing Steve playing guitar and Suzy singing. it felt like i was home. i haven't felt like that in a church in a long time.
what is 'Jaime'?
i remember going to denny's with the gang after church one time, one of the first times i went, and jason daniels was there.
me too. the first time i went out w everyone after church was to village inn on 30th st. Jason was there and there was this instant connective thing going on. All I remember was this intense feeling of participation. Like he was there and he was saying through every pore in his body, I am really interested in these people and I am READY to INTERACT. He was the most beautiful cat I had seen. I mean it. I think we just fell in love that day! Since then, our friendship has been as awkward and distant as my friendships w most people, relying on the internet for survival, but, he has never toned down. He has always been very strong in the love department. Absolutely a GREAT guy! When I felt like shit he scraped me off the road. He called me in my darkest moments. Damn! He even called me the day elinear laid me off. How would he have known anything about that. He just knew he needed to call me and that we had to have a serious talk about, well--VAMPIRES. It was amazing. You know I can say the same thing about you, Jason, Alex and Kumar, but here I specifially want to say it about Jason: He has a way of appearing and bringing strength into my life. He grounds me. I don't know how else to say this, but I can feel energy seep into me.
man that was one of the coolest days ever. looking back on it, its a little like the feeling you got on the first day that really felt like fall when you were in the 10th grade and something about it felt like anything could happen, that magic could appear from anywhere, there was just something good about it.
like in THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER: those are the moments when you feel infinite!
: I am a part of all that I have met;
In this sense I am John Sexton, Jason Daniels, John Vaughan, Paula, Steve, Cari, Skydancer, Scott Pardo, Sal Iozzia, Chuck Wright, Nancilee, Març Palacios, Kumar, Dave Armstrong (if i can be mindful of this one, and have gratitude i will have crossed a chasm--I think he affected me way more than i'm able to see), Terry Parm, Joe Hornbeck, John McGee, Alex Wilbourne and many others.......MITAKUYE OYASIN: we are all related