Posted by john on June 03, 2002 at 07:29:26:
In Reply to: just a thought about friends and getting to know each other....this came to my mind last night when i was given a radically different perspective on it.....we need to get out of ourselves for a minute..... posted by giveawayboy on June 01, 2002 at 14:16:49:
I love what has been going on on the board lately. It seems many people desire a deeper relationship with their brother and sisters, this is realy good to me. Also the talk of community. But everyone knows how I feel about that. I sincerely hope that this desire will become a real attempt at change and effort to make something real happen.
...BUT...
as the ever present cautionary voice gainst easy answers, I want to offer a challenge to think about. It is very easy to talk of these things, but it is very hard to make them happen. So we end up giving up on it, or our interest fades, or we whittle away at our ideal until we only possess a ghost of it (i.e. the see you on sunday and go to dinner but never talk to you any other time sort of thing) This is a far cry from the deep connected community and friendships that people want. so if you want this, you have to be prepared to MAKE it work.
Secondly, and following the last comment, making it work can get extremely hard. Some people are extremely needy and others are extremely giving. The inequities can create burnout for some. I have experienced this myself, burning out trying to encourage people to get together, burnout organizing things, burnout travelling.
And this brings me to my final caution. Being close requires physical proximity to some extent. Sure the internet helps, but it isn't the same. And we live in vastly different places. Are you willing to put in the time it takes to go to these other people, or to meet in the middle? I mean we're talking 30-60 miles apart in some cases. What do you do about that?
I'm not directing this at anyone in particular, these are real problems I've encuntered in trying to do these very things this board has been talking about. I don't think the obstacles are insurmountable, but they wil be obstacles that you have to deal with. And I say "you" in the individual personal sense. So you can translate my comments into a more personal question.
As for me, God knows I'm in Bill. I've been in for years, but unfortunatley I don't hold out very high expectations anymore. If it happens great, and my place is always open to everyone, that's why we bought it. I would like nothing more than to live in a close community where we could rely on each other and the sick and old could feel connected and useful. Where the weak had the strength of others to support them and the strong can use their abilities to the full potential. Of course it has to start with a change in mindset. Several people have to decide to do this. It will have to start slow and grow from there and who knows who will be a part of it.
As for me, I'm still plugging away in my small corner. I'm learning new skills to be used in this context. But I've been confronted with the fact that many of the people I thought would be a part are not ready, and may never be. So I've been seeking connections in places where people are thinking along my same lines. And God has recently helped me out here. I'm now volunteering at Morningstar Fishermen, this place is a mission using experimental aquaponics tehcniques to develop simple, sustainable food sources that can be implemented around the world to combat hunger. It really convinced me once again that when we feel most alone, God has his faithful hidden away and is still accomplishing his purposes. Check out the link.
: just a thought about friends and getting to know each other....this came to my mind last night when i was given a radically different perspective on it.....we need to get out of ourselves for a minute.....
: i lost a friend. it was not good. i might be able to repair it though. you see, he was a little timid....he was well, a little shy. last night i was talking to our mutual friend Dan and from what i heard i could see our relationship a whole different way. my friend was actually very shy and wanted us to have a deeper relationship, but i had perceived him as not wanting to get close since I 'thrive on feedback'....and was getting no 'real feedback' about what he thought about our friendship. i assumed that he wanted out of the friendship and so i was giving him space, but then i found out later that what he really wanted was for me to 'quit talking' about all my other 'friends'. what was funny was that he would not talk to me and he would then ask how i was doing, so i would tell him. oh, i went to a movie w kumar, or i went to a powwow w Chris, or i was doing something w Father Phil or i was doing something w my Crossover friends, etc. so, he assumed that i had all these other 'super close friends' that i cared about more than he. the truth was that i really loved him and wanted to stay close and even grow closer, but i was perceiving him as cold. so, we were mutually giving each other space and finally the friendship sort of really died out. so, now i hear that the whole time he who i perceived as cold was really wanting a tighter connection and wanting to be a very special friend. how could he not have known i wanted that too. i guess what i learned from that is:
: 1)don't go by your perception that your friends are not interested in you. they might be.
: 2)don't allow your time together to go by without good strong talking about your feelings.
: 3)don't be afraid to acknowledge error or misunderstandings.
: 4)above all, stress often how much you love your friends. it's very important.
: anyway, hope this helps. there might be silent suffering going on all around us.
: by the way, there are lots of you at Parallel Universe that i would like to get to know and maybe i think you wouldn't be interested in knowing me.....well, don't be afraid to let me know. i can't promise that i have lots of time. Ask Moya, she'll know that I'm stressed right now, since she and i have been talking about that, but we can at least start w phone calls. I won't mention names, but there are a few of you who i feel estranged from and who might assume that i'm not interested. i'm actually quite interested. QUITE! we need to have the creativity and lateral thinking to get out of our perceptions of each other. for instance, i could perceive someone by the music they listen to, blocking out a whole potential for a friendship that reaches way beyond music. don't get me wrong, music is great, i'm not attacking your music. i'm just saying that i'm sick and tired of the ways we relate which silence potential. also, we need to be honest and upfront. Suzy has taught me about this. So has Tim (Alberta Tim).....my new friend. It's not easy. we might hurt each other in little sensitive places, but it has to happen for us to eventually know each other. and as suzy says, we need to respect each others' boundaries too. Anyway, I know I keep talking about Moya and Tim and Suzy, but I want to get to the rest of you. i can't believe how many times i falsely perceive all of you. or i put you in t box--a hardcore box, a faerie box, a body-art box...a conservative or liberal box, a religious box, a sound box, a concert ministry box, a Luts box, a Temple Terrace box, a professional box, a 'parent' box, etc. all these are ways i have of filing you away temporarily. but i want to get out of tempporary files to see you as whole people and not just one dimensional. i think that we need to learn to see each other as wholes, and then to see how we are all related in a larger whole. i'm sick and tired of having flat acquaintances that mase our friendship on a memory or on frequency of appearing before each other in each others' presences. i appear before people i work with everyday. they are not my close friends. i consider Parallel Universe like my family. i WANT TO KNOW my family. anyone in?