Re: weary and dumb.....

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: : : its all good... : : : bill's post (to some degree) and your post (to a greater degree) reminded me of the poem i read last sunday, written in atlanta several years back. more than that, reminded me of the state i was in when i read it. also reminds me of what i wrote when Win died. i'll have to dig that up, no idea right now where it is... : : : that whole idea about dissolution of self. and being confronted with certain realities. and sitting or walking along in the dark, in the silence, thinking about these things, and something changing as i look at it all through that strange looking glass that is art... : : : man, sometimes i have wished so hard to become nothing. i said it the way i wanted to in "low table". to become a wide, dry wind. dissipated over a wide wide desert. cleaned by the harsh sun, one with the wind, one with that cleansing agent, one with that divine breath, hovering over a thing that is largely lifeless. i don't know how to say it other than in poetic terms. i want to disappear. or i have at times. when i think about it, my mind goes back to that vision. the sand is a golden light brown, burning in the sun, which blazes in the sky behind me. i am a wind hovering over the desert like a hawk hanging with wings outstretched floating on the heat. all my consciousness is swallowed up in Being That Wind, there is nothing left except pure movement which proceeds from nothing and which flees after nothing. i have become nothing except the breath of the world. its like, its the only thing i can imagine, the only existance i can imagine, where i really have peace. : : : : Bill keeps orbiting closer and closer to a complete dissolution of self... at least it seems to me. Whether this is good or bad depends on your perspective. : : I keep thinking about "the unbearable lightness of being" not the book which I never read, just the title. It comes and goes and is back again circling through my brain, waiting for me to answer. : : Somehow this phrase is connected to this thread. : : Somebody tell me what it means to be unbearably light. : : I think it also has to do with humbleness. Something else that has been on my mind lately. : : How rare and good and fearful it is to be humble. : : How the most humble that I can be lasts only a micromillisecond. : : I'm so glad I am not in charge. : Well I think you missed one part of this phrase, the unbearable part. I know from having been in this state in the past, it is truly unbearable. See the I think the phrase, and the book for that matter, refer to the state that results from realizing that nothing matters and that even our own responsibility is only asham in the light of reality. It is about existentialist mindset in a paradigm where there is no higher moral power and thus no consequence for anything, good or bad. This state is incredibly unbearable. Imagine being convinced that if you killed yourself, or someone else, or slept with anyone you encountered regardless of who it hurt (the premise of the book) or whether you lived a "good" and moral life, the consequence was the same... eventually you die and there is nothing after. It is hopelessness of the worst kind. In this state one longs to be dissoved, to become a non-entity and then you aren't faced with these issues anymore, you no longer fee lthe unbearable lightness of your being. This is why so many people cling to opppressive dogmas like Mr Hog the gaybasher. They are terrified of having to live in a world without such absolutes. The difference with us, or at least me, is that I have passed through this state and in the midst of it, a terrifyingly beautiful being found me and showed me that there is a single absolute... his love. Without this understanding I would emphatically be a diehard nihilist. : BTW if you don't want to read the book, there is a pretty good movie made in the 80's under the same title. Worth reading/watching.

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