Posted by Mister Metal on June 19, 2002 at 22:12:40:
man have i hever had the most sobering moments this week about those times i have failed to be loving to a friend..or have let them down..it makes me not so critical of those who may have "let me down" and i have at times high expectations..or lets say i hope for the best with any and every one of those attachments i have made...and i know that people are only human..its hard..but i know that God has been showin me that people are not my source..and he is really helping me to love those who i felt and at times and still feel are unlovable and unreachable...its a slow work..its not an overnight project..but i believe that what God is doin in my heart is a thing that will be lasting...thats why its taking a while...because its a lasting work..it wont come quickly and fade quickly..its a work that will remain...so i am just believin that God is gonna help me be a friend to many people..and help me to lose all my expectations and do things with no strings attached..knowin that most likely that i will not be recompensed for kind deeds..thats life..and while in my head..in my thick head..are thoughts that tell me that life is not fair..and i look at others and envy what they have..their connections with others..connections that i never seem to make with anyone..and at times i thought it was because something was terribly wrong with me..in spite of all my feelings of not belonging..and never fully feelings that i fit anywhere...even in clf altho i like it..at times i feel like i am from another planet...like people wont understand me..or see me through..in spite of all this...i thank God that in my solitude..in my lonliness..in my hopelessness..he is working through all that and is using it...for his glory.