Posted by Mister Metal on October 15, 2002 at 12:27:24:
i guess i have been plagued with the i try too hard syndrome..where i just do everything in my power to be the best friend i can be..and i seem to have noticed that..i dunno if i should just accept that this is how i am..and just flow with it..or if i should try to not be so eager to do all and everything to be a friend to people..reach out to people..etc..
not that i am acceptin reciprocation in return...but if i knew that i was goin about it the rite way or that i truly am doin the best i can then there would be a release and i wouldnt be so hard on myself!!!!....i just guess its frustrating me cuz at times i feel maybe i am either doin somethin wrong or not doin enuff..its hard to explain..few of you will even understand me at this point..but i just get really frustrated like on sunday at the vaughns..i saw community..brotherhood...true love expressed unlike i have ever seen..and here i was feelin like i just stepped off of some flying saucer that came to earth from eons away...and it bothered me..for one i am not accuainted well with this "community" due to past horrific church experiences i am almost in denial about pu at times..meanin that i just have this voice inside tellin me its a hoax and that all churches are the same..playin church and all..its painful to see this..like jonvon told me..it can be way more painful to be loved then be rejected once you have gotten used to being rejected..thats just where i am at folks..
then i at times feel like the outsider..people like bill..cari....chad and corey...steve...marcos and others i am so jealous of in a way...cuz they belong so perfectly..and i juss dont see me as belonging..i never felt like i belonged..ever since high school..i felt like the wierdo....and i feel like the &*()in outsider..its just what i been dealin with..dont know if i will deal with this all my life..hope not..its just vent time for me..as i just cant seem to shake this emo moment from me..i just feel really heavy..i am not like gonna go nuts..just feel so upset cuz i dont know how i am gonna find my niche at pu..or get to the point that i aint the nubie anymore..how i hate my current state..i hate this so so much..
why do i have to be the token nubie? or why do i feel this way at least if anything?
ughh..i am just intense..its just a lott to handle rite now..