Posted by jonvon on November 06, 2002 at 13:37:38:
In Reply to: Re: i needed that posted by Terry on November 05, 2002 at 18:50:16:
: Thank you. I really needed to hear that. I am feeling better but I am still running a fever, and I admit I am kind of scared. My immune system can see this as an oppertunity to go nuts. Wow, somthing to fight. Lets dump lots and lots of white blood cells and B helper cells to kill everything. It helps me to know that I can touch someone and all this is not for nothing. Don't give up Jon we need you, we love you, and we just think you are way cool. Thanks for your prayers. I really miss you when you are not there.
i'm not really giving up on anything. i'll make you a deal. you don't give up on me, i won't give up on you, ok?
i'm experiencing something that feels like a crisis. it is very painful. i think steve saw it in me a few days or weeks back. it was probably like a big zit on my nose, but i hadn't had time to look in the mirror yet. all i could do was scream something like, "gee my nose hurts".
THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY MORE
i have come to see that the bible is like a nice pretty piece of software designed for the masses to use and enjoy. i don't want to read it any more. i want the hard to understand api. if you have not seen this thread yet, then please do. it explains about api's. and other stuff. i need the raw poetry. just as i was going down like galileo i read steve's thing on where animals go when they die and where they come from and so forth. that sure was neat. and i needed to read it, just then when i did.
i also don't want to participate in any more conversations that have at their center The Preservation of 20th Century Right Wing American Christian Ideals. not that i've had many of those conversation lately. but. i don't want to support the subculture that is christianity as i have experienced it. any more, ever. i have seen it everywhere i have gone to worship. including our group. we hang on too hard to the things that feel comfortable or safe sometimes. its all in flames for me. its all dead. its all hanging and rotting from some stupid tree in the back yard. i want to buy a shotgun and wait patiently the three days it takes to wait for it. and once the cooling off period is over, i want to walk calmly into the back yard and shoot the stupid corpse hanging there. over and over again until i don't have any more ammunition. then i'll please cut down the tree and run over the entire lot several times with the stupid jetta.
THINGS I WANT TO DO INSTEAD
i want to instead look full into the face of every mystery. i want to push farther into what it is to be human, to be a citizen of the universe. i want to talk about universal brotherhood. i want to talk about conducting one's affairs so as not to harm and kill other people, especially poor people, or people who are weaker than we are or more economically disadvantaged. i want to walk very lightly in more ways than one.
i want to go insane and sit in the woods with a few rags on and eat berries and laugh at the raccoons. no, i wouldn't really. i want to start proclaiming repentance like john the baptist. i think it might do me some good on the inside.
can you tell i'm making this up as i go along? can you tell i've been thinking about these things all of my life? can you tell i'm deadly serious? can you tell i have no idea how to be serious? or what exactly it is i should be serious about?
mainly i think i want to lay down and go to sleep. and be left alone. for a long time. but the day is so cool, and we have all the windows open. it feels very nice to be alive today. i took the day off because paula is sick. it has been a quiet day, one i needed a lot.
i love you a lot terry, you are one of my favorite people anywhere in the world.