Posted by giveawayboy on February 18, 2003 at 00:21:00:
In Reply to: Dr. Bill, I presume... posted by Fiiiyer on February 17, 2003 at 18:06:35:
This whole string was so fun to read, at least the parts I could read. I can't believe that today while I was busy selling books to Tampa's public, there was this strange triangle of ~N, PS and Kat (well, Ken too) going on and on about what Bill must be about. This was highly entertaining and touching in a strange way. It really tickled me to read all this.
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Funny! I never had conceived of talking to people about Christ per se. I was more interested in making friends w folks from Florida. And I was really hoping to meet some blokes into philosophy and art and heck, some blokes who live near me and perhaps would want to hang out w some other likeminded folks. yeah. that's the ticket.
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Then there was the priesthood thing. Ha!Ha! Well, that strikes me as kind of odd. Over the years many people have told me that I should be a priest. Well, there are a few things that make this not a kosher choice for me.
1) Currently, though my Catholic convictions have not changed, my faithfulness to my confirmation promises has. What this means is that at present, I'm what Walker Percy calls a 'bad Catholic'. I rarely go to Mass and I haven't availed myself of any other sacraments for quite some time. I realize the error of this. Frankly, my reasons for this are less doctrinal than emotional. I admit to some childishness here. Still, there are huge issues of conscience that I am struggling with and I admit that it could be ignorance on my part, but morally, at least for now, I am not SURE of Catholicism. This does not mean I am challenging the Church's teachings. I am too wise for that. I guess I am trying to challenge myself. I know there is coming a day when I return to more or less active union w the church. When this happens I do not foresee it being a conflict of interest w PU. Infact, I'm glad that PU has been here for me during one of the most trying years of my life. I think Catholicism is too wonderful to simply give up just because it possibly cramps my style at times. I got to this point where God revealed somethings to me about his Son. Now I am stuck in this place where I am weak and clueless and all I can do is throw up my hands and say: WHERE ELSE CAN I GO? YOU ALONE HAVE THE WORDS OF LIFE. I know this seems provincial and a little presumptuous outside of the Christian world, but this is truly what we believe about our Lord. Still, during this frustrating period where I have struggled w the whole Catholic thing, PU has been, as they always have been, a great family. The neat thing is that whenever I struggle w something in my Catholic experience, PS answers my doubts and confronts my queries in ways that are not only helpful to me as a growing Christian, but in ways that are helping restore my love for the Church.
So, the first reason me being a priest seems funny is my unfaithfulness.
2) The second reason for not pursuing the priesthood is that I simply have no desire. It's funny, I always wear these black T-shirts wherever I go. One night in Ybor City, a man came up and said, HEY FATHER, CAN YOU HEAR MY CONFESSION? I just looked at him amazed and I told him, SIR, I'M NOT A PRIEST. He told me that he saw my black shirt and just assumed, since he said I LOOKED LIKE a priest. Oh wow! Last thing I want to look like. Seriously. It's just not for me. I recall once after tons and tons of people told me I should consider it telling God if he wanted me to I'd be willing, but that I didn't really desire it. I asked him to increase the desire if that is what he wanted. He never did. I'm quite happy NOT being called, at least not being aware of such a calling. If however, he ever does, I'm totally there. I just don't feel called in any way, shape or form. Also, I am not prepared or willing to live the life of a priest. If God called me and I knew it I would change, but for now, I can't see it. I'm just like my semi-bohemian life.
3) Right now I am not ready to spiritually guide others. I am not ready to take a visible leadership stand in any religious context. I am just not. This has to do with very personal issues which to date remain unresolved.
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As far as me teaching at the university level, I still DO NOT KNOW that is the path I will take, but I can't deny that I feel a kind of pattern has formed around me, with more ferocity of late. This pattern seems to dovetail into alot of recent thinking I've done about going to school. Not to mention that many of my friends suddenly seem to be approving of this kind of thinking. Still, I am not ready to affirm it one way or the other. I'm still discoveirng it. I'm not ready to pounce yet. I also know that I can't wait forever. Eventually I will have to act. I would appreciate everyone's prayers. Thanks.
Once again I got a big kick out of seeing ~N's interest in me. Thanks ~N. Love ya.
Bill