Posted by PS on March 24, 2003 at 16:58:09:
In Reply to: Re: members one of another posted by kat on March 24, 2003 at 16:31:59:
: I'm not sure how this relates to what you are saying. I had a strange experience recently,
: I have been struggling with something I thought I had overcome and i was crying out to God. I felt terrible, low and weak. In the midst of this crying and wailing I saw/felt God reach out to lift me up and I pulled away. (I am not even sure if it was a physical or spiritual thing) I flinched!
: What was that? I don't know. I am really confused about the whole experience. In a strange way it grieves me and comforts me at the same time. I was very close to something and I backied away from it.
: This post of yours brought this to mind and I thought I would share it with y'all.
: -kat
I will fathom a guess...
God has shown you that there is still something in you that is preventing you from surrendering completely. Hence the grief. But in this experience, you also see God's desire to reveal Himself to you, and lead you into an intimacy you have not know before. He has not changed his mind, nor abandoned this purpose. He desires you. Hence the comfort.
There are barriers in ALL of us, and it is God's desire to demolish them, to give us what our souls truly desire, to reveal Himself to us and recreate us. There is an element of death involved in rebirth. Ponder the moment you pulled away, and you will find that fear--fear of losing yourself, of losing control, of losing your grief, of losing your dreams, fear of the abolishing of everything that has defined you and your existence--the fear of death. This is well justified, as you know from your study of the holiness of God last semester and the mysterium tremendum. Isaiah, Ezekiel, Daniel, Jacob, John, Moses, and more--they knew this terror of the Holy. The spirit longs to fly into the fire from which no one returns alive, but the flesh trembles and recoils. You are hungry for this death. And now this desire will grow until you beg for another chance, until the day when you run gladly into the flames and are destroyed. And reborn. Gloriously. Powerfully. This is God's desire and his plan for you, and now you must cultivate this desire till it consumes you.