Posted by giveawayboy on June 12, 2003 at 04:17:08:
Hello everyone. I have been in weirdsville lately. Been feeling real disconnected and I think I might have even had something close to a minor nervous breakdown almost. So, I'm not sure what I may write here. Please forgive me if this gets obsessive or dull. I'm just so prone to do that. I don't know where to start in this little update other than to say that my life is changing i think. I feel like i'm in a coccoon. I'm sure this has something to do with it. I'm still going through the whole '35 and miserably single' thing, and at least those of you who have told me they are on the lookout for a COMRADE for me, well, thanks, i'm still open, but it's terribly hard finding the kind of person i'm after, and then hoping God is cool with this--as God is really silent on this issue. Anyway,i feel like lately God is really trying to help me focus more on my relationship w him and especially the intimate aspects of that, whatever that means. i am reading ORTHODOXY for the 8th time. nothing else seems to ring true right now other than the GOSPELS. i just finished a great book on BRASILIAN HISTORY. if you have any questions ask me and i might know the answers. it's funny how we all get into these little pockets of interest. i'm always trying to find ways to lay down my particular hold on an interest so that i can integrate my life w others, my interests w others' interests. it's hard to do, but it's a worthwhile effort. i am trying hard to reconcile alot of disparate things in this world. it's totally the cross man. i mean it. look at jesus, he does his work in brokeness. he does his unifying powerful work hanging broken between heaven and earth. it's so tedious and perfect. Can you picture Jesus hanging between Heaven and Earth? Can you picture him broken? Can you picture yourself NOT ALONE, but with others, enjoying a full life? Can you picture that the love you have for others is spilling out on all your relations? Can you picture yourself being empty like Jesus on the cross? Who is Jesus to you?
man, i watched BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM. I liked the movie, not only because my boy JONATHAN RHYS MYERS is in it, but because I fell in love w JESS, the movie's protagonist. She wants to play soccer real bad. Her family is devout SIKH(picture of GURU NANAK is on the living room wall) and they want her to marry and live a traditional Indian life. I could identify w her in so many ways. I think a huge part of it was the way she seemed divided. I often feel like TWO instead of ONE. I guess this is part of being human. I'm having a terrible time w my conscience these days. I'm not sure what I believe in alot. It's driving me to God which is a GREAT THING. I'm glad about that. Paradox is all around. BILB helped me alot. I felt integrated after I watched it, just the way I do after hearing a good MADONNA or INDIGO GIRLS song. Lately I've been listening to the BILB soundtrack too. The music is good. I like RUFUS WAINWRIGHT too. Does anyone like him? He's the bomb! Can you picture a girl on the soccer field? Can you picture yourself playing soccer? Can you picture yourself at an INDIGO GIRLS show? RUFUS' pic is below:
I've been doing alot of self portraits lately. I'm trying to learn what I look like and how to draw myself. I eventually want to put other objects into my portraits. I just had read a book about MAX BECKMANN the other day where he just did one portrait of himself after another. I can see being obsessive about yourself, but i also think doing self portraits is something that most artists have always done. The book was written by SISTER WENDY and it was a really good overview of BECKMANN. I as hooked. I wish I could plant the reasons for my interest into this post to integrate you all into it. I wish I could connect more w the intersts of others. I know that Març and I have been able to transcend our own personal interests long enough to see them integrated. It's a great accomplishment if you ask me. Març is very special to me. Can you picture Març reading an article about South America or MARILYN MANSON in THE PINK PALACE? Have you ever BEEN to THE PINK PALACE? Who gave THE PINK PALACE it's name: 1)MARTHA BOOTLE 2) KUMAR 3)BO DEREK 4)SAINT BENEDICT 5) CHRIS KINGSFORD?????? Can you picture SISTER WENDY lecturing us on BECKMANN'S use of a cigarette as a symbol in his art?
I really, REALLY want to recall my dreams. I've had so many good ones lately. I wish I could remember the one from the other day about grapes and prunes. It had some real cool symbolism in it. I also remember a dream where me and these guys were all wearing red T shirts, it was pretty darned important, and, wouldn't you know, I forgot it too. I used to keep a journal by my bed. I need to start that again. What do you all think about dreams? To me they are very special tools to help us in life. Not everyone would agree. There was one dream where I was talking to this Hindu guy about a text I think from the HANUMAN PUJA and then Steve Holland and Kara walked in and Steve was wearing a Brasilian lifeguard tank top. (Incidentally, I looked everywhere for a picture of one of these lifeguards, but you just have to picture a red tank top that says something like: GUARDA VIDA on it). Can you picture HANUMAN, a really explosive monkey who loves God alot? Can you picture GRAPES and PRUNES? Try capturing Steve as a Brasilian lifeguard?
I like things that have variety. You want to get to know how I think? I always think about a prototypical thing and its variants. Look at PARROTS for instance. There are literally thousands of kinds of PARROTS, yet they are all PARROTS. They all have the same kind of feet and similar beaks. They are not exactly the same, but they all have the same stamp. This led me to see an order in creation. FISH are the same way. PARADISE FISH and GOURAMIS and such. You know, BETTAS alone have so many species--for instance, B. macrostoma or B. splendens, or one of my favorites, B. imbellis. Or KILLIFISH or GAMBUSINOS. So are PANDAS and RACCOONS. Did you all know that OKRA and HIBISCUS are related? Well, they are, just look at their seed pods and blooms and you can see a family resemblance. So, here is something Bill likes. Bill likes things that are alot alike but very different. Humans are like this. What things can you think of that are alot alike but also very different, like episodes of the same show? Do you have a favorite television series? Why would you keep watching it. There is always something the same and always something different right? Can you picture your favorite RAY BRADBURY story? Do you like NADA SURF? Or LIVE? Are you wondering why I asked these questions? What's on your mind?
Today I was thinking how MOROCCAN and INDIAN music sometimes can sound alike. Mainly thinking of the vocal patterns in it. Let's go for a stroll at a market place in MOROCCO. See all the spices and ornate fabrics? What are you thinking? Can you feel the influence of so many cultures here? Which cultures are they? this is your assignment. Tell me something about MOROCCO.
I keep thinking today about how people are relational. I think how many religions or religious philosophies talk about the relational aspect of humans. There is this endless insistence in religion in general that humans are not alone. We do not proceed from ourselves. We are interdependent. We are all related. We are joined or yoked to God and others. We are in covenant with a Divine Power. We are submitted to Allah. We are adopted into Christ. We are made to be relational. I was talking to a girl Annika about this. She asked what our purpose was. I didn't give her some quick answer. I just pondered what all these religions say. And my own religion teaches me that God became a man to relate to me as a man. And his greatest law, according to my Hindu friend Pradesh was this, to love God and love my beighbor. Can you picture Pradesh and I having lunch in a SUBWAY? What do we look like? How are we feeling? Are we smiling? Are we relaxed and comfortable? Are we interested in each others' statements? Hmmmm.....
Did you all see DONNIE DARKO? Wow! When that plane engine fell out of the sky I just about died. That was too much like one of my dreams. I recall one time when me and this guy were hiding out on this porch since there were these giant dumpsters in the sky flying around everywhere and they were opening up and dropping school buses out on top of everyone. It was terrifying, but it was also arousing wonder in me. I want to find out what that was all about. How do you figure it out? You shouldn't. Today I was reading some great stuff in ORTHODOXY:
"The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits."
"The last thing that can be said of a lunatic is that his actions are causeless. If any human acts may loosely be called causeless, they are the minor acts of a healthy man; whistling as he walks; slashing the grass with a stick; kicking his heels or rubbing his hands. It is the happy man who does the useless things; the sick man is not strong enough to be idle. It is exactly such careless and causeless actions that the madman could never understand; for the madman (like the determinist) generally sees too much cause in everything. The madman would read a conspiratorial significance into those empty activities. He would think that the lopping of the grass was an attack on private property. He would think that the kicking of the heels was a signal to an accomplice. If the madman could for an instant become careless, he would become sane. Every one who has had the misfortune to talk with people in the heart or on the edge of mental disorder, knows that their most sinister quality is a horrible clarity of detail; a connecting of one thing with another in a map more elaborate than a maze. If you argue with a madman, it is extremely probable that you will get the worst of it; for in many ways his mind moves all the quicker for not being delayed by the things that go with good judgment. He is not hampered by a sense of humour or by charity, or by the dumb certainties of experience. He is the more logical for losing certain sane affections. Indeed, the common phrase for insanity is in this respect a misleading one. The madman is not the man who has lost his reason. The madman is the man who has lost everything except his reason. "
(both quotes by G.K. Chesterton, ORTHODOXY)
So you can see I'm thinking about sanity and not madness. I'm not lining up things into some tedious system. I'm just enjoying getting to know what life is all about. Im really enjoying organizing life like so many building blocks. I'm not so concerned w perfection or status. I'm interested in drawing myself 1000 times, but in each drawing I am seeing in a whole new way from a whole new angle. I'm interested in reading the same book over again since it always communicates life to me so naturally. I am hoping to see my friends and spend time doing simple things with them. Can you picture a time where you did something simple with a friend and it left a lasting memory?
I recently ran into my old friend HOANG VAN-BUI and he told me how important it is to have time for an artist to work alone and get to know his own craft. I'm trying to do that. There is a time to show our work but there is also time to get to know our own voice. Doing the self-portraits is going to help me know myself better. I'll know more what I truly want to communicate. What is your VOICE? What is your stance in life? Do you know?
I keep thinking about CURITIBA and the success of that city. In so many ways it is a an example to other cities globally. I hope to go there one day, but even more I hope to learn the lessons of such a success and to put them into action in my own community. How could we all take from the successes we learn about and put them to work together at PU? Hmmmm....I'll bet we could do some great things! KERALA is another city I want to study. I don't want to neglect the obvious either. Can you imagine a city where even the homeless people have jobs and where there are parks all over the place? Can you imagine a town where the lighthouses double as libraries? What does a lighthouse look like to you?
I keep thinking I want to teach a drawing class. I can't do it at my house, but if any of you want it, feel free to let me know and maybe we'll do it at PU at a certain time. I'm sure if enough people wanted it we could do that. If so, it would be mainly figure drawing (sorry, no nudes) and then also drawing in your personal time and critique sessions. Let me know if you are interested.
Anyone that has ever wanted a picture from me do this: bring me $15 and a list of the following things: favorite animals or objects, special words that you like, colors, symbols you like, etc. I will do the drawing in my own style. They will be done on canvas, most likely between 1 to 3 feet and they will be done w acrylic paint and black marker.
Does anyone want to model? Let me know. If you want to model for drawing and you are willing to volunteer, let me know. This will be fully clothed modeling and I'll draw you before church or after. It will just be for my own practice, but I warn you I won't draw you in a realistic manner. I do a semi-real, semi-cartoon style, that is expressive. It won't always look like you in reality. It will just look however it looks. Don't look for caricatures from me. They might not look that way. If anyone ever wants to do serious modeling, let me know. This might be for projects that could involve other people. Depending on the kind of modeling the pay might be different. I'll also take volunteers, who will obviously get copies of the work.
If anyone wants to buy any of the small paintings I have at church, let me know. I'm upping the price. $10. I'll give 50% of whatever sells to PU, per my original agreement. Also, the large paintings are $200, but I'll negotiate (let me know your circumstances and what you are willing to do). I'll extend the 50% to PU to these paintings since they are hanging here at PU. I need to get slides taken of these so if you buy one I might need to come photograph it sometime int he future.
JONATHAN RHYS MYERS is one of my favorite guys in the movies these days. If anyone wants to see him they can go to GOOGLE and look him up under images. Wow! What a handsome guy! If anyone wants to see him in a diabolical role, they can check out him as STEERPIKE in GORMENGHAST, but his angel role is JOE in BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM. JONATHAN is just a real handsome bloke.
If you haven't seen THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS yet, perhaps you should. Anything with OWEN WILSON as an actor and co-writer has got to be good. Not to mention his brother LUKE. I think I'm a die-hard WES ANDERSON fan now. He's right up there with TIM POPE and TIM BURTON for me. Every detail of this movie is lovingly crafted. This is REAL art.
One thing I want to learn more about is THE AXIAL PERIOD in history. Anyone know about it?
Well, this has been a peek into the life of GIVEAWAYBOY this week. Hope you don't mind the chaotic approach. I don't always know how to share on this forum anymore. I feel like sometimes only a few people read this. I don't want to be a bore and I feel like I am shamelessly that most of the time. Yet I can only be myself. Can you picture huge forests and rivers and oceans exploding out of a tiny rib cage and the whole world falling in love and all kinds of music playing at once?
With love to all, Bill