Posted by kat on November 02, 2003 at 09:24:48:
In Reply to: Re: Psalm 86 posted by kle2 on November 01, 2003 at 16:23:29:
: :
: : It is early and I have been up for hours. It has been a long hard night. Buddy and I went to the park to watch the sun rise and now I am waiting for the vet to open. Last night we went to Bob's house for Holloween (thank you Jason and Nancy). It was a great night and a lot of fun. It was so good to see Bob.
: : On the way home Buddy was sitting on my lap with his head out the window and I was petting him. I found two lumps on him. So of course I was overwhelmed with fear. Words like biopsy, cancer, and death sprang to mind. I know how stupid I am being, it is most likely nothing. My mind is spinning. I am so scared. I have been awake since 4 am and I am sitting here waiting for the vet to open.
: : Dispair and doubt are getting the upper hand in my life. I know that "God works together for Good...", well I want the good to be the doctor to say that it is nothing. I have spent the night worring for nothing. I want to learn the lession that I should not worry. "It's not about me as if you should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways." Damn it, I want this to be my way just this once. God I know you have the best for me. I want to learn to surrender, honest, just not this way. My head and my heart are fighting to win control of my soul. I keep hearing all the bull shit from my past. "If you have faith and are holy then Satan can't hurt you and life would be perfect. Satan only has the power you give him. Your life should be filled with victory if you are truly following God. If your sick it is because you don't have enough faith." I know that is not true. What did Pastor Steve say my doubt is proof of my faith. (See I do listen.) I know that part of the problem is that I have had a bad night (I had a bad sezure at about 2am this morning), I know that I taking a lot of meds, I understand that I am sick and all these things influnce how I feel. I know that my feelings are intensified. However, this does not nigate the fact that I hurt. I really reallly hurt right now.
: : GOD, CAN YOU HEAR ME? PLEASE LET ME KNOW THAT YOU CARE!
: I'd probaly disregard number 4. I don't see it as whining and don't mind the long posts. I use your life as an example when the opportunity arises.
: : "Hear, O Lord and answer, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you... Have mercy on me, O Lord for I call to you all day long...Hear my prayer O, Lord listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you for you will answer me. Teach me your way, O Lord and I will walk in your truth give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name. Turn to me and have mercy on me grant your strength to your servant and save the son (dog) of your maidservant. Give me a sign of your goodness that my eniemies may see it and be put to shame..."
: : Sometimes, David prays my heart much better than I do. Please pray for me:
: : 1. Buddy will be ok.
: : 2. The doctor is cutting the dose of my chemo, pray that I will respond.
: : 3. Pray that God will supply my financal needs taking Buddy today is gonna hurt.
: : 4. That I will stop whining and writing long posts.
: : Thanks for listening and letting me vent. I will post later and let you all know what the vet says.
: : Terry
Just the fact that you have not abandoned hope in God is enough to make me think you should continue to write what you want. If anyone has a right to whine - it's you. I thank God for you Terry, you teach people perseverance. Many would have crumbled by now and given up (which would not affect God's presence in the least, of course.)
I will agree with you in prayer always, and let me just thank God now for the answers to those prayers. Most of them you may never be aware.
Love,
-kat