Posted by kat on January 11, 2003 at 21:26:23:
In Reply to: am i destined..... posted by pathetic on January 11, 2003 at 01:07:47:
: ...to forever be stupid?
: what gives with me? why is it that no matter how much i want to do good... no scratch that... no matter how much i want to live my life better than i have... to get out of the lifestyle that is slowly destroying me.... it seems to always be there... winning
: every time i take my focused concentration off of it, i end up back in the midst of doing things that make me hate myself. part of me hates it because i see that it is detroying me... not actually killing me outright but starving me... but part of me is latching onto what i hate, holding onto it as if it is the best i will ever have... is it...? will it be...?
: i don't know how to let go of my past... how to stop letting it control me... how to stop trying to maintain control over myself to present the "everything is wonderful" facade. it just hit me tonight and i happened to be online looking at the board... i guess the planets are in alignment or the timing was perfect or something... i think it is funny that i am writing this... i don't know what i am expecting this to do... but right now... it just seemed right...
: maybe i just wanted to vent in a way that i didn't have to explain all the things that are making me feel this way... maybe someone will say something profound that will break me...
: i don't know...
I probably have nothing profound to say to you. Sorry. I often feel the same way. In fact I feel like I am either a worse screw-up than I used to be or I am more aware of it than ever. Still, I have to cling to the hope that day by day I am being perfected-not by my own efforts, mind you-no, I am consistantly inconsistant, monotonously lazy, incorrigibly forgetful, and impossibly stuck to my bad habits. Sure, everything is not wonderful, but in you is a jewel that no amount of mistakes can tarnish, there is the joy that sits in your heart and shines no matter how crappy things may seem. Sometimes you don't break, sometimes you just slowly melt, I mean S-L-O-W-L-Y, ugh!
God Bless