Posted by Dr. Fred Butler on May 30, 2000 at 19:14:42:
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's
(sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people,
celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals) when
I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering
from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken -
which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual
chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made
them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day this friend went to
sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice
and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized
that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said
"Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected
to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would
destroy his hard drive and infect all the electronics in his house if
he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax
because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on
software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get
together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under
the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a
mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free
Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to
everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone
to report his Missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him
to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the
phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return
slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped
around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was
only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy
who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in
the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has
agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two
e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an
angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will
have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you
send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN
YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital,
but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To
be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part
of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will
receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble
will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad
luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your
shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the
antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S.
government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.