Posted by Nobody Special on February 25, 2001 at 22:18:38:
I want to know one question. When did sadness become so vast? When did it get so large that it could swallow me whole with no reprieve? Did something upset me one day and I just let it get out of control, and if I did, how did I allow it? Did I not realize what was happening at it's onset? Did I choose not to care? How does one get out of this black box?
When did I find out how hard it was to love others. Was it when I finally came to terms with the fact that I hate myself? That I can no longer bear the pain of seeing myself in the mirror? That I hate who I am? How do you share this? When do you finally understand you need help? Who do you go to?
People say well pray about it. I am sick of this typical "pat" response. Well what the hell do you do when 'praying about it' just doesn't work anymore? How do you pray when you don't know what to pray for? What about when God no longer cares to hear your cries?
Then you have those who tell you to get into the word. Should I even bother when my heart is not in it? After all doesn't the Bible tell us to be either hot or cold, but not lukewarm?
So you walk around day after day, week after week, month after month sinking further and further,deeper and deeper into this God-forsaken hole until one day you wake up and just can't bear it anymore. You get to the place where it is no longer important to put on fake smiles. For the love of God, it is everything you can do to not sob uncontrollably all damn day. Everything you can do just to get yourself up out of bed, if you can.
The hard thing is even when you try and ask for prayer, what do you ask for? Remember, I don't even know what has me so sad.
Go to church! By God, you must go to church..... I am sorry all but that is not the overnight, friggin wonder cure. Especially when your only there physically. I believe there comes a time when your emotional and spiritual self just stop showing up. And when you finally do 'show up' and can no longer play the 'see-how-filled-with-joy-I-am' game, everyone wants to know what's wrong. Not that they care. Most of them are to busy playing their own little games. But they'll offer to pray for you cause after all isn't that how our little Christian friends justify gossip? Plus that's just the right thing to do. Obligation. Another f#@*ing charity case.
Please not that everyone is fake. Dan & Steve for example. I truely believe they are real. I truely believe they are in love with God, not just the concept of Him. I believe, they believe what they preach.
But how? Steve please tell me how you keep 'the fire', How do you stay in love with God? How do you keep believing in a God that no longer hears me? I thought I loved God, but evidently I don't. You have to be able to love yourself (what you can see) first, don't you? How do I climb out? How do I find out what's wrong and why I feel the way I do...all the time. When is it simply just time to give up?