Posted by phunkle kitten on October 06, 2002 at 04:06:28:
In Reply to: disconnect..its what you wanted posted by Mister Metal the emotionally drained one on October 05, 2002 at 10:31:09:
ok raul...
this is how i feel (wish there was a better word) i am only speaking for me here..my emotional roller coaster has been all my life it was like ok bamm you are born and please sit in keep your arms and legs inside and fly..no my life is more like a steamtrain..it has a destination but there will be surprises on all sides new towns to rest in i ll meet awesome people and some who suck. the end is most important..the journey is overall good..with some depression pending kinda of like rain in seattle..basically everyday i am depressed to different levels that might just be the way iam wired...remeber most artist in history had their own demons emotions and screwups..i know God loves me, i know That Jesus died and lives,,i know there is a satan who does hate...and i know i have emotions/feelings that can sway me..i have a stinking flesh that dosent want to die..and when i try the key word is i it is f----d upi know i have an awesome family and pu and a good pastor..i dont i know i dont open up easily and because of fear/torment/fear of man i hide and only so a little a little there..there has been people that get under my skin in a good way..kat, terry, steve in his posts, cari jonvon..to name a few i know these ones have always been true to me and have challenged me sometimes to anger and a desire to be fist to cuffs..sometimes i rather hide away out of pride and safety. sometimes i think if i open my mouth i might be harshly rebuked and asked to leave a friend said to me last week come clean..if i say i have a family that loves me..why do i hide...could it be a trust issue could it be i have been beaten up could it be i hate me. yes and more..so basically chill no one is asking you to be a superman..you are screwed up just like us all..thanks for the effort.i can say the church we are in now is trying to get real with each other little by little ... little by little coming out is all i can handle..i have alot of baggage on this train some baggage i dont want to loose some i throw off the train only for it to be at the next stop..some comes backin the mail and some gets burnt up...since i started coming to pu i have begun to open up more..but trust is hard for me and so is patient on myself...as well as forgiveness
on my self...i hear the words but sometimes they dont shift to my heart..so do..so dood this is how i see things and feel..i do thankyou but breathe..see ya sunday
thats how i feel..i just feel that many are just forcin me to disconnect emotionally..i will still be goin to church..i just am in this state that in order to even function i have to emotionally shut down..i am very sensitive..and things like this are just draining me..i try to be there for people..and i try to live for GOD and have joy in my life..as i do..and have..
: but really..in order for me to function..i am gonna have to be a tad withdrawn..
: nothing personal guys..i just cant deal with all this...
: not doin so without makin myself to get caught up in this emotional roller coaster that many are valiantly fighting with...hope yall make it..those are my thoughts..