Posted by John on April 03, 2001 at 06:23:14:
In Reply to: Re: More Steam (Part II) posted by Jen on April 02, 2001 at 22:55:53:
Thanks for the encouragement. It really isn't so much of a matter of beating myself up as it is that I knew I should have been more forward, but refused to respond, now my silence has tended toward approval and the issue will be much more of an issue if I try to address it. Not to mention that what bugs me deep inside is a sense of almost betrayal as I was convinced of this person's committment, which you know is quite an issue with me. Making it all the more important that something needs to be done. Then there is the factor of how this affects others who may have been looking to me for support in this. I do think that one reason I didn't say anything was that I wasn't quite sure what to say. The situation was such that I was completely unprepared to deal with it. Anyway, it will be dealt with one way or another, I just don't know what that will be yet.
: ~~Don't be so hard on yourself. We are Christians, but we are human, and we stumble when things catch us off guard. If you feel like you should say something, even if it is after the fact, then you still can. I'm learning how to do that myself, instead of letting things fester inside of me and allowing my held-in feelings to affect my friendship...you know what I mean :)
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: : It can be hard to deal with people who refuse to see what is going on. Many people, Christians included are so self-decieved. They have constructed these elaborate mechanisms designed to allow them to lie to themselves (an interesting study in psychology, but that is another thing). It sounds like your friend is in such a state. Dealing with this can be very hard.
: : Perhaps to comiserate a little, I was recently confronted with a situation that I could not escape. (again those who know me don't speculate) I watched some things happen and because of the nature of the situation I was able to study interactions and such fairly unnoticed. What was happening was quite a moral dilemma for me and it has been the constant focus of my internal energy since. Without going into detail about the situation itself, suffice to say what really bothered me was a certain person's attempts to justify what they were doing. Perhaps they felt a little guilty in my presence or something, but had they not made the speech I would have probably shrugged it off. I didn't even mention it at the time... and therein lies my problem. I alluded to this in the last post.
: : Anyway, I have not resolved the issue in my head yet, but this is my feeling so far. I think in many cases we as Christians, especially our breed of Christians (grace oriented & less than conventional, although quite conservative doctrinally) are reluctant to say anything to anyone about what is right and wrong for fear of sounding judgmental or legalistic, but the fact remains that there is a certain standard that we who have committed to Christ are trying to attain. Of course we fall, and there is grace for that. And God loves us where we are, no matter how willfully we reject him, but if someone who has claimed publicly to adhere to these standards violates them and tries to justify it, don't we have a duty to say something? I have recently come to beleive that we not only should, but MUST stand up for what we beleive. Now this is not to say that we judge or set benchmarks of someone's spiritual state. But how can we say we believe what we do if we refuse to publicly announce that we think so. In our desire to love the sinner, we often accept the sin. I know this is a fine line, but it is there.
: : So my point: that I failed in that I did not speak out against this speech at the time. Because I appeared to be accepting of what i know to be wrong. Now everyone is free to choose as they wish, but I should have said something. And I think this is what has been eating at me.
: : I write this in hopes that you will find some insight into your own situation and not to steal your thunder. I am truly as confused as you. One difference is that my friend claims to follow God, and you didn't mention that yours did.
: : : Greetings,
: : : Now to return to my rant. There is actually a reason why I didn't discuss the female in my earlier story. I think the girl's name that I used earlier was Samantha. So anyway, Samantha annoyed me a couple weeks ago, but really got to me this past weekend. I took John's and Steve's respective replies to heart and decided not to spend time with Lester, but I ended up in a situation with Samantha. Several of us got together after work (Samantha included), and we found ourselves going over the week's events, issues, etc. Samantha was drinking. I had made definitive plans that this week I was going to make it a point to do some band stuff, so I wasn't spending the whole night hangin' with the work crew. I split at about 9:30 - giving me enough time to go home, shower, get my materials together, dress, and make it downtown by 10:30. I took care of my stuff, happened to bump into some friends in another band, and finally made it home by 3 am. My phone rang at 3:01 and it was Eddy, Samantha's boyfriend. He asked if I knew where she was. I hadn't seen her since I left at 9:30. Eddy was distraught, so I made all the phone calls - sheriff's office, police dept., hospitals... standard stuff, but to no avail. I called Eddy as I got into my car to trace the route from the place I had last seen her to where she lives. Five minutes after we hung up, he called back to say that she had crashed at a friend's pad. I was relieved that she was ok... he was a bit "peeved." The next morning -- er -- afternoon, Samantha called to apologize -- not for her actions, but for her boyfriend's. Apparently, she had tried to call him, but wasn't able to reach him, although she didn't leave a message, etc.
: : : I have been noticing quite a bit lately that she isn't the most dedicated employee. She seems a bit on the lazy side -- of course, I am probably more guilty of this than her (which makes me a bit more sensitive to it perhaps). Anyway, I see some severe instances of a lack of professionalism. I have spent time with Samantha and her boyfriend, and I like her a bit (perhaps a little higher than acquaintance, a little less than good friend), and Eddy a bit more (good friend). I feel torn about how to deal with her in regards to making myself available to her in a "Christian" sense. I mean, is it not hypocritical to judge someone in this sense, and still be concerned with the state of her life? I wish Samantha would commit herself to something, but she just seems to be a floater. I think she has a beautiful spirit, and there are moments when I really connect with her (in the beautiful spirit sense -- not at all physically). Granted, these moments are few and far between, nevertheless...
: : : So, I'm not so much concerned about my hypocrisy (if hypocrisy is actually happening -- I must admit that it is hard for me to see in myself, perhaps defining the nature of hypocrisy) as I am about the condition of her life. She seems happy, but I know she isn't. She is on a path destined for disappointment because she isn't building any foundations, save for a solid ability for escapism. I also see Eddy as a victim of this, because he doesn't seem to see it. Again, I have to point the finger at myself, because I am quite familiar with escape... but that's a whole different discussion.
: : : I don't think there is anything directly that I can do. I thought about speaking with Eddy, but I don't feel that it is my place. I have spoken to Samantha a bit about the night (there are many other things that have happened, but this is my "starting point"), but she looks at it as a big joke. My main point is that although Eddy might have been overreacting, it is a sign of how he really feels about her -- I just can't bring myself to tell Samantha, though, because I am truly afraid that she will use the information to take advantage of the situation.
: : : I'm not sure if I painted a clear picture of my request (if there even is one). I guess my subject line is truer than I planned... just a little venting session...
: : : Thanks kids!
: : : Jason