Posted by Bob - the Alien on August 23, 2002 at 14:14:24:
In Reply to: Re: honesty..the sting of being real posted by Mister Metal on August 23, 2002 at 09:51:37:
: one has to question the fleece that people tend to hold onto so dearly when they want to protect themselves...this "fake" fleece..i have to disagree that people have to be fake..now its one thing to disclose information..one does not have to rant it all..i understand this notion..but just because one has gone throught traumatic experiences..i have too..doesnt mean that one should be so hellbent on wrapping oneself with this fleece of falsity..its good to be a lil protective..but when this is overemphasized...you definitely lose opportunities to open up to people...one has to allow themselves to be stretched..i try to make myself a lil more uncomfortable every single day..
: and this is what helps me grow..not that i have arrived..but i try my best to not allow my past hurts or disappointments to hold me back..i make myself do what i really dont..such as fellowship..and goin to church..i know its what is needed...and its not really pushin them to get to where "they are not" its good to encourage people to let them know its possible...i have been able to help certain people in my life that..a rubberband is just rubber thread conjoined together and is useless..till its stretched...you have to stretch it to get use out of it,it has many uses when it is stretched..one must allow themselves even if its in baby steps of progression to be made a lil uncomfortable everyday...i did this last nite and saw an increase..last nite i went to a hiphop youth service..in my head,i was like..i am not feeling these hiphop kids...i so am not..but i made myself stay and hear the message..made myself socialize..met a nice girl who is spec's cousin...she is so punk rawk it hurts... :) had i not went and made myself socialize...i would have missed out on a neat opportunity to get to meet a really beautiful person..so one has to question why is it so overemphasized...this fake is necessary...no bob..i am goin to have to gracefully disagree...real is necessary..well it may take baby steps of progression..and makin oneself get out of that comfort zone is good..while this is not totally part of the whole real ideal..i think this is necessary too...allow yourself to not get too caught up in the now...get uncomfortable..later on you will see the enormous window of oppotunity that opens before you because you allowed yourself to stretch beyond the comfortable...its good.
I respect your take on the matter...but I think we will disagree with each other on this issue.
Let me put it in a little perspective for ya, and even if you don't agree, it may show where I am coming from:
When I was getting a divorce, my wife ended up in such a bad state that she was hospitalized for suicidal depression and put on suicide watch for a full week. I actually was there with her, and tried to help her through things. She was able to get stablized and get back out to life, but for the next 6 months, we had to cateful with her. There were some parts of her life that would drive her back to that state. And she was living alone with noone to watch over her. Frankly, had I gone up to her with total honesty, I could have driven her right back to a suicidal state very quickly.
Had I done that, she would now be dead.
Instead, over the last few years, she has worked through her problems, and is just now at a point of stability where we can get back to that level of honesty.
So, total honesty is not only always the right thing, it can hurt people beyond repair.
I hope that you either never get to a state like that with someone, or that you recognize it when you do, because in cases like this, honesty doesn't help, it doesn't make them stronger or better, it kills them.