Posted by giveawayboy on September 23, 2002 at 08:22:57:
One thing I struggled with is knowing Jesus is real. I had been raised Christian and believed it my whole life, but somehow I still hadn't understood Christ as a person, just a shadowy robed man, who goes around carrying sheep and knocking on knobless doors. During junior high and high school, I needed someone more concrete than that, someone tangible, visceral, you know. I never had an older cousin or big brother to roughhouse with, or grandfathers to sit me down and teach me about hunting and carving wooden gizmos and such. My father, who loved me, was emotionally unprepared for fatherhood and often came home from work tired. There were a few times I felt close to him, but that tapered off a bit after I began adolescence. So, I started to need a Jesus that equated to more than some guy with long blonde hair in a poster, holding a crooked stick; some real nice guy who looked over a group of kids who had butter cookies with pink icing on their breath and who memorized the names of the books of the bible which had been handwritten by blue-haired old ladies onto brightly colored slices of construction paper. I needed a Jesus who wasn't hiding in the choir loft or behind the plaster cracking in the narthex. I needed a Jesus who could sing something other than ONE TIN SOLDIER and IF I HAD A HAMMER. I needed a Jesus who was REAL to me, and so I set out. Where was the Jesus who would sit next to me, who would be with me in those odd, awkward moments a young homosexually oriented kid goes through in junior high, high school, etc.? Where was this very specific Jewish guy, who I knew existed somewhere-- was real, and had two legs like mine, and an intention to find me? to find everybody? The one who is supposed to be closer than a brother....Where was THIS guy? I kept searching. Over the years I feel the signs of his approach are more evident. It seems that his image is beginning to take shape. I know that nothing hads really changed since the Ascension. His relationship w the church is constant and abiding, only I have to sort of discover his presence for myself. The thing about God is that he is good at hiding behind veils. God is always trysting us. It's really quite an elaborate game. He never tricks us, but he does like to lead us. I still won't make any conclusions about Jesus. And it's hard to relate to crucified and resurrected guys. He still doesn't always feel real to me, but I am starting to know he is. I know his address. It's with the community he said would never pass away. Wherever you find the Church gathered he is there. I encounter him in my ongoing relationship with the family he has given me. This is how he becomes real or tangible to me. There is alot more specific information I could give at this point, but I'm not going to lay out a thesis on this. As I said, I'm often very unsure of it myself.