Posted by kat on January 14, 2003 at 06:51:04:
In Reply to: I always feel alone posted by giveawayboy on January 12, 2003 at 22:39:44:
: pathetic said: I don't know how to change my feeling alone. I have felt alone for as long as I can remember... with my family... with my friends... I am always the one on the outside of a circle looking in wanting to be a part but never feeling like I am... even when I am a part... I don't seem to be able to conciously realize that, ergo... I always feel alone.
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: bill responds: Since I don't know you're identity, it's hard for me to respond, but suffice it to say that most people feel lonely alot. It is a very natural human emotion. I feel lonely on an ONGOING basis --and what only makes it worse, is that many people have this idea of me that I have lots of friends that I enoy super close friendships with. The actual truth is that I am lucky and DO have lots of friends, but they are not all CLOSE friends, and to be honest, many of them I feel very distant from most of the time. Infact, there are some friends I have where there is this illusion of closeness since we share a sort of solid mutual respect thing. Still, this has never crossed the barrier into enthusiastic friendship. It is more like a perpetual state of potential friendship waiting to know how to grow. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I do constantly. It's like I have certain friendships where all parties invovled really mean to get together, to make it work, to give things a chance to click, but it just never seems to materialize. So, when we get together in real time, there is this huge illusion of closness between us, and perhaps there is some actual closeness which exists as a memory of a moment where we clicked, but there is no blossoming, ongoing relationship. It is not as if these people are actively in my life, or I in theirs. I don't lay blame on anyone here. I don't lay it on myself or them. It is just the way some things are. When I become aware of it I can act in ways that can challenge and change things. In the meantime, we simply maintain this sort of mutual respect thing and visitors upon seeing us together will take us for old war buddies or something. Still, I want to push the envelope here. What doesn't help is that many of my potential friends are very sensitive people and this makes relating difficult. Loneliness is just a very real, everyday part of life for me, no matter what some people think.
I feel very much the same as Bill, he eloquently expressed many sentiments I have. The question I have for him is: "What exactly would be an ideal 'close' relationship to Bill. How would that manefest itself. Does it have something to do with frequency of contact? Or can it withstand distance and time and is it more emotional in nature. Do you have to define it person by person?
I have people I would consider close, and yet it might be years since I have seen them last, or months since I last spoke with them. They are not active in my life. Yet I hold them close in my heart and should we meet again, it would be as if we just picked up were we left off. Does that fit into your definition, I wonder?"
I think I understand your point here, I would just like to know your vision of true close friendship.
: Later, Bill