Posted by Jen on April 17, 2001 at 15:26:17:
In Reply to: Re: a few more thoughts posted by John on April 17, 2001 at 14:13:43:
::::They have tried, specifically at Tim & Steph's wedding, at Steph's bachelorette party, at the open house for the church, at the coffee house where Gingerpoets just played. And many other occassions I was there through all of this, you refused to let them in.
And these occasions that you mentioned, minus the bachelorette party which I did not attend, you have no idea how much I tried. Showing up at the coffeehouse was a big step--to show support for the band and not allowing personal awkwardness to keep me away. But it almost seems like the times I do reach out and try are not seen. And when I try and don't get the results I was hoping for, (such as no one talking to me when I go up to try to socialize) it's even more discouraging. Maybe I try so hard, that I don't see the attempts of others. People must still see the walls that I am so desparately trying to tear down, and what's more, they don't believe that I am trying to tear them down.
Maybe too much damage has been done. Thank God that I haven't needed someone's shoulder to cry on in a while. When's the last time you had to check in on me? You yourself have admitted how impressed you have been at the progress I've made. So what happens when I do fall into some old patterns again, even when they are not as extreme as those in the past? I get told that you need to keep your distance, that you can't handle the drama anymore. Drama? Compared to last summer? And I thought I was doing so much better. Would you have offered more compassion if I was still the emotion-ridden basket case I was then? Would you have gently offered advice regarding focusing on Christ as your father did? When we can no longer turn to those we consider our Christian family, then what is the point?
Besides, you and Kathy have gone over and above the call of both a Christian brother and sister, as well as friends--many times over. Perhaps my trends of codependency caused me to take that for granted. It means very much to me that you have been there time and time again.