Posted by john on June 04, 2002 at 06:17:40:
In Reply to: weary and dumb..... posted by bill on June 04, 2002 at 01:32:30:
Bill keeps orbiting closer and closer to a complete dissolution of self... at least it seems to me. Whether this is good or bad depends on your perspective.
: Realizing how weak I am tonight, in the sense that I can't seem to see all the needs of people, or how deep they are. Been walking around today carrying Pakistan and India in my heart, feeling the fears, feeling the helplessness that some people feel. Feeling like people are getting ready to hurt themselves and i can't intervene. i can't let them know that they don't have to. it sucks. it's like, how do you tell someone, not to blow themselves up? how do you tell them, not to blow up the potentially wonderful lives and possibilities and beauties around them? they aren't just hurting a few thousand. they are hurting all living beings. been thinking about that. how do you tell them that you are carrying them around inside, but yet, you want to stay as far away as possible since bombs are scary and unpredicatable and you can't control them? do you run, do you stay, do you stay but at a distance? each one of them, each soul, can change the world, even if just for one person, who needs to know he's worth it.
: been thinking about what i perceive as beauty. been thinking about fear. been thinking about all kinds of things that i don't know enough about that give me this 'deer-in-the-headlights' look. been thinking about dzogchen and jewish philosophy. been thinking about being powerless to be there for everyone you wish you could be there for. been thinking about how i often suck as a friend, when i can't be there when the real shit goes down for my friends. been thinking about ways in which i am good as a friend too.
: i've been thinking about how to take this sorrow and use it for helping others. been thinking about how everything is a vehicle. i think that if i cannot be there next to my friend who needs me, maybe i can be there for another friend, who up until now i didn't see. by helping one friend, we are actually helping the whole cosmos, since everything is affected by that economy of love that is here. so, i realize that by doing it to the least of these i do it to the creator. the law is God and neighbor. i suck at both. but when i think i have god down and my neighbor doesn't rate, i don't really have god down, but then when i think i suck at the god part, then is when i find that i am advancing and that the work is being done in my, it's not all MY DOING. i feel so weak. i wish i had 10,000 arms and lots of energy, etc. i just don't. i can't be there when they push certain pbuttons. i can't be there when my friend is over there, walking around, an american, someone who wants to relieve the sufferings of others, and could get a chance. it's all really making me want to pray, but i'm too weak. i wish i could just be there.
: i can't hear the cry of the world, i can't even hear my own friend crying. i can't be there, i can't see through the walls of several cities. i can't do all that. i can reflect though. i can contemplate. i kept seeing roaches on the way to the store tonight. they were everywhere. those roaches. all living, all doing roachy things. it's like, there is value there, but i'm not aware of it. i don't know the value of roachy things, but i started having compassion on the damned roaches. i was carrying pakistan and india in my heart, and it was breaking, and i saw moths darting into lights on every corner. i walked to the store and bought my tired box of ice cream, which i don't need but want anyway. i walked through the aisles and looked for peanut butter and found none. i talked to the peanut butter guy and i saw nobility in him. i wanted him to know it. he was magnificent. i saw people in that store that made me cry. they were all so beautiful and stupid. they were all so vain and important. they were perverse and grand. they were numb and stunning. they were all changing the world, but they all didn't know it. some might have. it was terribly beautiful. i wish them all well. all the people in the walmart, all the roachies on the street, my friends in india. he is 40 miles from the border. all of them are all one huge thing. and i love it. why did i fail to see it....? do i run from it? do i stay? do i risk losing comfort and familiarity? i'm no martyr. i don't know how to relax. i don't know how to not be.
: why am i so scared to see it....? weary and dumb....can i turn that into some kind of platform?