Posted by Jennifer on April 15, 2001 at 07:16:19:
On this Easter Sunday, please allow me to lay open my heart, as others before me have recently done:
All of us have our problems, some more deep and more serious than others. It would be difficult to meet someone that didn't have an issue or two that they struggle with in their life. It could be greed, jealousy, lack of patience, or something as serious as an addiction. Christians are no different, as we follow Christ and pray to Him for the things we need work on; we are imperfect as humans nonetheless.
I don't claim to be any different. I put here for all to see (not that it's any surprise to those who have known me) that some of the things I struggle with are self-esteem, insecurity, and varying degrees of codependency. I have not denied that these are key problems in my life, and in that admission not only hold them out to Christ, but to my brothers and sisters. No one likes to hear their faults or problems pointed out to them, which is one reason for my stating here that I acknowledge them. But if a brother or sister sat me down, with love and compassion, pointed out that they had a concern over my struggles and offered to help or point me in the right direction....would I turn my back on that? I'm not talking scathing emails or gossip over my well-being, but someone truly reaching out with gentleness--and offering solutions, not just pointing out problems. I heard recently that some no longer wanted to talk with me due to the fact that I didn't want to help myself. If I own up to these faults (although I see them more as issues than faults) and attempt to talk to people about them....is that not a step to seeking help? Because my issues manifest themselves through relationships with other people, and I strive to work on those relationships, does that mean I'm not willing to get to the root of the problem? Or is it possibly that I am following Christ as an infant learning to walk....stumbling, holding on for balance, and TRYING to stand on my own two feet. My understanding is lacking, and my progress slow, but I AM TRYING. How can someone else claim differently?
Sometimes we push things to the limit to get answers. Sometimes we do this instead of waiting on God. I did that last night. I pushed a situation in my life to the point where I found some answers. Probably not what I would have done if I had just sat down and prayed, and allowed myself to be led. No..., I forced a situation to occur, that may or may not have occurred anyway, but this resulted in serious damage. I pushed away some of the closest people to me in my life out of hurt, anger, and desperation--which led to irrational behavior. I have lost the person that I felt was my closest friend in this world. I have cut my ties with others dear to me. I realize that I have possibly lost respect from some, due to choices I have made for my life from the time I first came to Crossover. But I thought that with my Christian family there was supposed to be grace...yet I feel more like a pariah [someone's gotta laugh at that] around my brothers and sisters in Christ than I do with my non-Christian friends. No matter how screwed up we are, aren't we first to find love and acceptance with Christ, and then through the Church--that is, our Christian family?
Do I say I'm sorry I let you down? Sorry I made you lose hope in me? Sorry that my decisions were not Christ-led, but emotion-led? I am not filled up with Christ as I should be. I crave affection from those around me in this world. I need help with my struggles as I strive to be stronger and healthier. I am not content with the baggage that holds me back from being all I could be. But I've come as far as I can in this place, and now I am done.
I am undone.