Posted by giveawayboy on July 06, 2002 at 15:23:06:
In Reply to: i am the world's biggest @$^& UP!!! posted by Mister Metal on July 06, 2002 at 00:19:11:
:
: or should i say screw up!! yeah i realize as the days go by..that i cannot do this living for GOD thing..i just cant..its really discouraging..and while i am not sayin i am givin up..i am sayin that its a soberin thing to know that i cannot do it..i thought at one time that people would be there to keep me accountable..nope they have not..i thought that i would have a mentor to look out for me..i have not..its been 4 hard years..the hardest years of my life.......
i hear ya Raul. I found that this whole mentor and accountability thing really screwed me up too earlier in life. I had this idealisitic notion that if i moved in w some christian guys i would find this ideal world of accountability and such. i didn't. what i found was reality. what i found was guys who loved me but also had their hangups. what i found was not idealistic, but often mundane, sometimes pathetic....etc. what i mean was that all four or us (i'm thinking of my original four guys) were really just quite confused people in many way, but what i discovered was that even in our brokenness, there was a kind of mentorship or accountability that did rise to the sruface. you have to let it be broken though. you have to be content w it in an imperfect form before it ever gets to it's more sublime form. so, those guys and me became a little broken family. we loved each other very much and still do in broken ways i suppose. i miss them like hell. scott, john and joey. well, i wasn't as close to joey and i regret it, but instead of just regretting it i can move on. john was really sort of tired out of church. before i moved in i was assuming that he and i would do all these church-related things together. scott, well, scott was just scott. what can you say. he was a real crazy cat. he ended up at one point moving in w this gay guy who really liked the cure. only scott wasn't gay. he just lived w that guy. anyway, scott was a cook. he cooked alot. he laid around the house in his underwear and cooked for us. scott loved me. scott was like a puppy dog wagging his tail when john or me got home. john would sit in the living room watching one or more of fourteen tv sets. he was one of the most beautiful guys i ever knew. also, he was famous for sitting up til 4 am talking to me about all these people we were interested in like andy warhol...etc. we'd make these little charts showing lines going between andy warhol and everyone he knew and everyone that all those people knew. we'd have all these lines and circles going everywhere and we knew exactly what all those lines and circles meant. and it was our little bizarre experiment at the beginning of the 90's. john went on to make records and give music to the world. he is still doing this i imagine. he married lori later. but john and i never had this idealistic little mutual christian support club. i'm so glad too. what he and i had was better. it got me off my spiritual ass so to speak and got me asking serious questions about my relationship w god, w life, w people. etc. he got me to look at some pretty serious and deep stuff about myself and now i am much more comfortable in my own skin because of him. he was a deep spiritual blessing in my life, one that some would have judged as a 'bad influence' or a 'black sheep' because of his seeming disinterest in holy things. all i know is that john was real and that he only reinforced the best things about god in my life. he always confirmed things that god was doing in my life even when he might not have been where i was at. he just wanted the best for me. he pushed me further than anyone i know at that time in my life. jonvon sort of continued after this. those guys are like my rocks. i mean i am standing on them. anything going on in my life now is activated and energized by them. scott too. i mean scott was w me during a coccoon period in my life. now i could continue. i could say alot about lori and nancy and sal and chuck and john and jeff and steve and cari and win and Bob--the Alien (the more i think about it the more i have to say) and brother isaac francis (formerly chris ross) and tim ogden (but i already did that in a previous post) and finally març. these are all the folks i've lived w. all these guys and gals touched my life in broken yet real ways. i am glad they weren't all perfect people, i wouldn't have wanted that. i want them real. i want to know them that way, as who they are. so, don't give up bro. you will find that as your life goes on you will see rich and strong evidence of mentors and accountability in your life, only hidden at times.
see ya, Bill, who loves you like butta baby